Friday, August 04, 2006


I had a couple of drinks last night, as is indicated to your right. The one at the bottom is actually a flan I ate early in the evening. And after all of that I some how managed to perform a fake wedding ceremony for Deb and Randy. It's called stamina my friends. That and a complete disregard for drinking on a school night. Any way the fake wedding went off without a hitch and for lack of a better word the fake minister got a couple of zingers in there. Here is the transcript for those of you who missed the ceremony:

Oh great Memnoch accept this sacrifice of blood from our hands... Sorry that is for the Baptism I am doing at midnight.

Ladies, Gentlemen and Andrew Price, we are gathered here tonight before God and some really hot looking people, to celebrate the fake nuptials of this man Randy Baker and this woman Deb Sivigny.

Can I have an Amen!

Marriage is not something for the faint of heart, why I know of at least three guys who faked their own death rather than walk down the aisle. I also know of a couple of brides who hired hit men rather than get married. What can I say I hang out with a pretty messed up bunch of people?

It should surprise none of us that Deb and Randy are getting married, mostly because Randy decided to make it impossible for her to say no by asking her in front of a room of 80 or so complete strangers. You have all seen the pictures. Randy down on one knee, Deb trying desperately not to cry … or laugh, I have never been clear on which it was and I was standing right next to them when it happened. It was like one of those glorious car crashes that you try not to watch but just can’t seem to work up the will to look away.

I remember the first time I tried to hit on Deb, it was before she or I had met Randy, so it’s cool. Bros before Hos, man!

And I’ll never forget what she said to me. She said “I’m sorry Scott, as handsome and as talented as I know you to be, I am saving myself for a special man. A man who writes plays, changes his hairstyle and facial hair on a weekly basis and uses the words dude, cool and rad way too often in casual conversation.” As much as I regret the fact that Deb and I will not be marrying on Saturday, I think we can all agree she found her special man.

I also the remember Randy telling me in an over long phone conversation the first time I was cast in a Rorschach show what he was looking for in a woman.

I know it struck me strange at the time as well, that he would call me up to offer me a role in a show and tell me what he was looking for in an ideal woman, but for the sake of this fake wedding we will pretend that this is exactly what happened. It’s called poetic licenses, look it up.

He said “Sam”, because at the time he thought my name was Sam. He said “Sam, I am looking for a woman who feels deeply, designs costumes, can drive me places and doesn’t wear bras.”

Usually during fake pre-wedding counseling session with a young couple I try and talk them out of it. I mean come on people if you want to marry someone you should at least be able to defend your position against a guy standing there yelling at the top of his lungs “It’s never going to work! You don’t love each other! Think of all of the misery in the world!” Deb and Randy on the other hand and I have to be honest here should be together. As a matter of fact if they don’t marry one another I truly believe that it will create a time paradox of stellar proportions which will eventually lead to the destruction of not just the earth but the entire Universe. Or even worse it could lead to a future where the world is ruled by apes. Damn dirty apes! I may be overstating the case but I have never been one for understatement. So for the love of God Randy and Deb do not ruin this, the future of the Federation depends on your marrying one another!

Now it’s the audience participation portion of our wedding. Can any one show just cause why this couple should not be joined in fake matrimony? Speak now, but keep in mind if you stop this wedding you could well be dooming the very fabric of reality and creating an alternative time line where Super Intelligent Hairless Squirrels will be our overlords and whip us every day and feed us a paste made of acorns?

Thank you, now keep your mouths shut at the real ceremony.

Now for the blessing of the rings. What are these plastic? I can’t believe it, 3 years of fake divinity school and I am blessing plastic rings.

Alright here comes the part we have all been waiting for, (I’m excited, are you excited?) we shall now proceed to the vows.

Do you Debra Kim Sivingy take this man Edmund Randolph Baker as your unlawfully wedded husband? Do you promise to love him and honor him, indulge him and drive him, let him watch whatever Sci-Fi show he currently is infatuated with whether it be Star Trek related or Galactica based, in sickness and health for richer and poorer, as long as at least one of you still lives?

-I do-

And do you Edmund Randolph Baker take this woman Debra Kim Sivigny to be your unlawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love her and honor her, occasionally not send her home alone after a party because you want to hang with the cool kids until all hours of the morning, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, as long as one of you still lives?

-I do.-

Now by the authority vested in me by the great lord Zool.

Can I get a hail Zool?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may now kiss the bride, but no tongue this is a fake wedding after all.

Now everyone join with me and all the choirs of angels in singing the eternal song of praise.

Look into my eyes - you will see
What you mean to me
Search your heart - search your soul
And when you find me there you'll search no more

Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
You know it's true Everything I do - I do it for you

Look into your heart - you will find
There's nothin' there to hide
Take me as I am - take my life
I would give it all - I would sacrifice

Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

There's no love - like your love
And no other - could give more love
There's nowhere - unless you're there
All the time - all the way

Oh - you can't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
I can't help it - there's nothin' I want more
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you
Walk the wire for you - ya I'd die for you

Ya know it's true
Everything I do - I do it for you

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