I try not to be topical around here and making things politically heated serves no one but those who think that all theater types are pinkos and liberals. But sometimes an issue comes across my radar which relates directly to the way we function as a company. There is an article in the Chicago Sun-Times, detailing the requirement of our Vice-President when staying at one of the various undisclosed locations. Here's what you need in a room for a Cheney stay:
*Queen or king bed.
*Temperature 68 degrees. All lights turned on.
*TV turned on to Fox News.
*Decaf coffee, brewed prior to arrival.
*Four to six bottles of bottled water. If Lynne Cheney along, two bottles of Calistoga or Perrier.
*Diet Caffeine Free Sprite, four cans.
I have a similar list of demands that are a rider to my contract when working on a Rorschach show and for the first time ever in an attempt at full disclosure I want to share it with all of you.
* A dozen hard boiled eggs. All of which must be dyed to match the set.
* Handful of NoDoz pills. No other sleep suppressant will do.
* A copy of the timeless Western Musical, Paint Your Wagon, starring Clint Eastood and Lee Marvin.
* The Guinness Book of World Records just in case I do something amazing on stage and need to verify if I have in fact broken a record of some sort.
* In true rock star tradition a one pound bag of M&Ms with the letters scratched off.
* Legendary actor David Carradine on speed dial in case I need some quick advice as to how Kwai Chang Caine would do it.
* A holding area for my pet pot bellied pig, Arnold.
* Handy-wipes, at least a gross.
* Final approval of all of the other actors choices in any scene where I am talking. If I am not talking they can do whatever the hell they want.
* Do not expose me to bright light. Do not get me wet. And whatever you do, do not feed me after midnight.
* An hourly update on whether they have found the wallet I lost in 1986 at the Golden Ring Mall in Baltimore while watching a movie with Amy Belschner and Miki Geiger.
* Another dozen hard boiled eggs.
I have yet to receive any of these and I am kind of disappointed. As long as the threat of being replaced by a sock puppet exists I will suck it up, but the minute I win that Oscar all bets are off. Keep that in mind Jenny and Randy.