Friday, March 24, 2006

How Rorschach is Like Dick Cheney

I try not to be topical around here and making things politically heated serves no one but those who think that all theater types are pinkos and liberals. But sometimes an issue comes across my radar which relates directly to the way we function as a company. There is an article in the Chicago Sun-Times, detailing the requirement of our Vice-President when staying at one of the various undisclosed locations. Here's what you need in a room for a Cheney stay:

*Queen or king bed.

*Temperature 68 degrees. All lights turned on.

*TV turned on to Fox News.

*Decaf coffee, brewed prior to arrival.

*Four to six bottles of bottled water. If Lynne Cheney along, two bottles of Calistoga or Perrier.

*Diet Caffeine Free Sprite, four cans.

I have a similar list of demands that are a rider to my contract when working on a Rorschach show and for the first time ever in an attempt at full disclosure I want to share it with all of you.

* A dozen hard boiled eggs. All of which must be dyed to match the set.

* Handful of NoDoz pills. No other sleep suppressant will do.

* A copy of the timeless Western Musical, Paint Your Wagon, starring Clint Eastood and Lee Marvin.

* The Guinness Book of World Records just in case I do something amazing on stage and need to verify if I have in fact broken a record of some sort.

* In true rock star tradition a one pound bag of M&Ms with the letters scratched off.

* Legendary actor David Carradine on speed dial in case I need some quick advice as to how Kwai Chang Caine would do it.

* A holding area for my pet pot bellied pig, Arnold.

* Handy-wipes, at least a gross.

* Final approval of all of the other actors choices in any scene where I am talking. If I am not talking they can do whatever the hell they want.

* Do not expose me to bright light. Do not get me wet. And whatever you do, do not feed me after midnight.

* An hourly update on whether they have found the wallet I lost in 1986 at the Golden Ring Mall in Baltimore while watching a movie with Amy Belschner and Miki Geiger.

* Another dozen hard boiled eggs.

I have yet to receive any of these and I am kind of disappointed. As long as the threat of being replaced by a sock puppet exists I will suck it up, but the minute I win that Oscar all bets are off. Keep that in mind Jenny and Randy.


Anonymous said...

I must confess that I was working at the Golden Ring Mall as an usher in 1986 and picked up a wallet one night and kept all the money, then pitched it. Finally, 20 years later, I feel the guilt after reading your post. Was it your wallet? And do you want your $67 back?

DCepticon said...

Yeah it was $67 dollars! That's right I was packing that kind of cash at 13. It was probably the change from a twenty, a library card, middle school bus card and some notes that Miki passed me.
I hated being 13.

Anonymous said...

i demand that my m&m's have the letter personally licked off by rorschach company members whose bios have not appeared on the blog.
miss you scotty

DCepticon said...

So you have the choice of:
Jason Stiles
Tracy Lynn Olivera
or Liz Chomko

I think I will be seeing you Monday night at Extreme Exchange.

Agent X said...

Just so you all know how much Scotty has mellowed, bear in mind that his demands have dwindled by about half over the years.

Among the requirements made obsolete:

* At all times, I am to be addressed as your choice of the following:
Lord High McCormick
Your Royal Supremacy
Green Lantern
Prince of Thieves
In times where expediency is called for, "Mr. McQueen" will simply do.

* A fur seat warmer for my dressing room. Sable quality minimum. Badger pelts attempting to masquerade as sable will be burned.

Let us bask in Scott's ever-growing glow of humility. A veritable earth mother, he is.