Thursday, December 21, 2006

Requisite Rorschach Family Holiday News Letter

Dear Friends, Family and those on our Enemies List:

Happy Winter Solstice everyone! Time for Demeter to say goodbye to Persephone and for all good pagans everywhere to bang pots to make sure the sun comes up in the morning. If that Reference is too literary for you dear friends, you should check out the new web site everyone is talking about Google. It has stuff about everything.

This has been a busy year for our family here at Rorschach. The year started out like it did the year before with Uncle Scott stalking another woman. He had just gotten over his break-up with Aunt Rahaleh last February and seemed to be having a good time working on his model boats, when all of a sudden he started wearing a Japanese Samurai outfit, waving a sword around and saying he was the dread Lord Morataka. He got himself a job watching over some sorority house and started writing some pretty awful poetry. All of this would have been fine if he hadn’t gone on a rampage in downtown Tokyo for 3 nights and destroyed at least thirty blocks of the city. He promises that this year will be different and he is thinking about working on his novel.

Spring came and Brother Grady and Cousin Lindsay had some problems with an apartment they
had rented. It was a sweet place, fireplace, high ceilings and a hard wood floor. The only problem was the neighborhood. There were a lot of street gangs running around with thick guttural accents wearing brown shirts. They beat the crap out of Grady and he decided to hightail it out of there. He asked Lindsay to come with him but she just couldn’t bring herself to leave, the view of the Reichstag was just too good and the rent was cheap. She figures once the expensive condos go up next store the rougher elements of the neighborhood will go up. Gentrification is taking over everywhere I guess.

Summer came and Mom (Jenny) and Cousin Tim decided to build themselves a two story addition to the house. It was so cool, with ramps instead of stairs, a cage for dancing and just being alone and lots of black and orange surfaces. The only problem is these squatters moved in right away and started screwing with the place. One of the women started living in the second floor bed room with a friend and for some reason refused to wear clothes. There were a few complaints but Mom kept insisting it was artfully done. They broke the water pipes and elevator. Put a desert in one of the hallways and in a weird twist of whatchacallit, one of the girls murdered her boyfriend. The strangest thing was the whole building disappeared in about a month and the only thing left was a key chain.

Dad (Randy) married Deb this summer, which I suppose makes her Step-Mom. The ceremony
was fantastic and everyone had a great time. The only bit of strangeness that marred an otherwise fantastic wedding was when Deb constructed a garter belt out of cellophane and made Dad put it on her. I am a traditionalist and think garters should be made out of wax paper and in extreme cases aluminum foil, I don’t hold with these new fangled cellophane garter belts the kids are using. These kids today with their M&Ms, IMing and blogs, make me long for the days when kids would stretch a piece of string between two tin cans and try and here one another from six feet away. Those things always worked, you could always here who ever it was yelling really loud into the tin can. As long as you had your tetanus shots up to date and didn’t mind a couple of cuts when you put your ear up to the can you were fine.

The year ended with Dad leading a weird cult of death worshipers in a bizarre ritual to reanimate the dead. These Goth kids running around in their eye make-up, their black coats, flying their kites and reanimating the dead, really took things to the extreme edge of sanity. It was almost like watching some kind of late night horror show hosted by Count Gore Dival. I think it reached its most ridiculous level of absurdity when Uncle Jason began wandering around looking for somewhere to bury the family cat.

Well with 2006 behind us and all the fun of 2007 yet to come, all I wanted to say is Merry Holidays to one and all and be prepared for your stocking beatings because they are a comin’

Warmest Regards,

The Mad Blogger What Blogs at Midnight

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