Last Time I Married People

The last time I fake married an Artistic Director, it was Jenny McConnell and Matt Frederick. Here is a transcript of the blessed event for those of you who missed it. Many of these lines may or may not reflect what was actually said on the roof of Willard Street two years ago, but for all intents in purposes this is how it went down. Please forgive me if I steal anything for the ceremony tonight.

Ladies, Gentleman and various others, we are gathered here tonight before God and a group of people waiting to see how long this thing is going to take. To join this man Matthew Humphrey Frederick and this woman Jennifer Florence McConnell in fake matrimony.

Can I have an Amen!

Marriage is an institution. It can not be entered into soberly. It can not be entered into lightly either, because we all carry a lot of baggage. Many of us standing here tonight are the result of a marriage ourselves. For others marriage was a quick result of us.

In ancient times marriages were arranged and there were no divorces. Today we take our chances. We choose for ourselves and there is always the chance that by another act of choice or an act of the California Supreme Court or the Massachusetts Legislature a marriage might end.
Yet each year millions of perfectly happy couples put their relationships at risk by making them permanent. Jenny and Matt tonight you are taking such a risk.

During my pre-wedding counseling session with these two, I offered them this piece of advice, “Why ruin it?” And for better or worse they did not take that advantage of those wise words and we are here standing on a roof tonight.

Now it’s the audience participation portion of our wedding. Can any one show just cause why this couple should or should not be joined in fake matrimony speak now or wait until they ask next week?

Thank you now keep your mouths shut at the real ceremony.

Now for the blessing of the rings, in days gone by rings were often used to mark their property. I have nothing to add to that.

So without further ado, or continued delay, we shall proceed to the vows.

Do you Jennifer Francine McConnell take this man Matthew Herbert Frederick as your unlawfully wedded husband. Do you promise to love him and honor him, indulge him and drive him, let him win a fight every now and then even when you know in your heart you are always right, in sickness and health for richer and poorer, as long as at least one of you still lives?

-I do-

And do you Matthew Ulysses Frederick take this woman Jennifer Gertrude McConnell to be your unlawfully wedded wife? Do you promise to love her and honor her, placate her and humor her not see her four to six nights a week when she is in production, in sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, as long as one of you still lives?

-I do.-

Now by the authority vested in me by the state of unconsciousness which is sure to follow whatever drinking I will be doing after the ceremony, I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may now molest the bride.

Now everyone join with me and all the choir’s of angels in singing the eternal song of praise.

Tonight it's very clear
as we're both standing here
There's so many things I want to say
I will always love you
I will never leave you alone

Sometimes I just forget
say things I might regret
It breaks my heart to see you crying
I don't want to lose you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who would fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

You keep me standing tall
You help me through it all
I'm always strong when you're beside me
I have always needed you
I could never make it alone

I am a man who would fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love

Just like a knight in shining armor
From a long time ago
Just in time I will save the day
Take you to my castle far away

I am a man who would fight for your honor
I'll be the hero you're dreaming of
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We'll live forever knowing together
That we did it all for the glory of love
We did it all for love.