5 Questions With Yasmin Tuazon

Rorschach Company Member, Poster Girl, Bikram Yoga Instrustor and closet anarchist, Yasmin Tuazon took some time out of what I know is a schedule literally packed with . . . stuff. Yasmin portrays the blogger's sister the Lady Tonase in Fair Ladies at a Game of Poem Cards. She has worked with Rorschach before in God of Vengeance, The Illusion and J.B. She can often be found at neighborhood Jamba Juice stands and recently in my living room watching the Magnificent Seven with me and Al Twanmo. Join me in this rare and carefully scripted interview with the woman who makes members of the postal service nervous.

1. Name the last movie you saw that reminded you of your Mother?

I know it's cliche, but if the shoe fits... Return of the Jedi.

2. Winter is the time of sweaters and hats, where do you get all of your sweaters?

Since the sudden liquidation of Sweater Barn, I no longer get all my sweaters in one place. I must forage for my sweaters wherever I can. This time of year it's pretty competitive, as you might imagine.

The ethical and environmental issues do concern me. According to a study released last year by the World Wildlife Fund, a surge in polar-tek fleece numbers has brought sweaters closer to the endangered list than we ever thought possible. Over-hunting threatens the delicate ecological balance of natural sweater habitats. If the sweater population dwindles, the otter and scarf populations swell. This in turn puts a strain on the natural wool resources; angry sheep consume more grass and buttons. Before you know it, rainforests, hoodies, and the llama are all affected.

On the other hand, I oppose the factory farming of sweaters. Without unilateral health regulations worldwide, many sweaters are raised under despicable conditions in China or Detroit. The footage of these places is heartbreaking. Seventeen sweaters crammed to a cage, living in their own lint; rusty and broken knitting needles; a diet that includes growth horomones and sometimes even cotton or acrylic. And we wonder why there is such a turtleneck problem.

After consulting with clothing and wildlife preservationists, judicious trapping seems to be the most humane option. I also recycle the sweaters via clothing swaps, and by wearing the same four things all the damn time. Traditional spring-jaw traps clamp down on the sleeve or body, and sweaters often unravel themselves completely in an attempt to escape.

I use an Alaskan game trap, which encloses the sweater completely without injury or snags. I use mittens for bait. Most people use socks, but I find they attract more dryers and raccoons.

It's certainly more work than store-bought sweaters. But wild sweaters seem to have more color and texture, and wear longer than their processed counterparts.

3. Recently President Bush admited to domestic spying without warrants being carried out under his orders by the NSA, do you worry about your own privacy given your extreme political beliefs?

Fight fire with fire, I always say. Since 2003, the website for Yasmin's Right-Wing Empornium has featured live webcams linked to every room in my house (and a couple in Amsterdam). I sleep peacefully knowing that my life is an open book that any government agency can peruse at the rate of $1.89 per minute. Discounted rates are available to GOP members that participate in the website.

4. You are a yoga instructor, what part of you body hurts most after a good hour of stretches and positions named after animals and produce?

See #3.

5. As an actor which is harder?

That, by far.

That last question and answer were not typos.